The onion dating

Stock Markets crash as traders realize humans are capable of error, Republicans rally a man for presidency due to his disinterest in politics, Obama requests Americans pretend to not be classless idiots while French leader visits, Osama bin Laden suspected to be hiding near set of TV show "Bin Laden Live", FDA Commissioner gives up on convincing Americans to eat healthy, Officials intend to discuss that North Korea destroyed Asia, Golden Made CEO claims his company is not responsible for deaths due to massive corn syrup flood, study proves Comic Sans is funny, UFO sightings proven to be hoax perpetrated by aliens, regular Americans resistant to speaking their mind on Congress proposal to save money by cutting States from the Union, today NOW!

featured the inspirational story of Amanda Mc Cormick overcoming great difficulties to have sex with Le Bron James, and Fox News misinformed viewers about Clyde the Cat.

Williams criticized a sketch relating to racism in the US judicial system, saying: "This is the kind of thing Jon Stewart could say with one eyebrow or the judicious rolling back of his wheelie presenter's chair.

inquired as to how a rescued girl will make up for the loss of a firefighter, ONN viewer is a boring, annoying, ugly woman with a cheating husband, and mentally handicapped son, FDA Commissioner urges Americans to "just eat a goddamn vegetable once in a while", states requiring sex offenders to wear identifying clothes in public, Biden band reuniting to play Super Bowl, Sarah Palin presidential polls boosted by morbid curiosity, perfectly good tire just sitting there behind the deli, another time traveling soldier harassed Suri Cruise, and this day in history the handjob was invented.

Snow storm causing major problems for the nation's idiots, and leaving thousands without access to pornography, forecast of possible light snow triggers emergency response from the entire government, Department of Defense allows women to serve in combat with supervising male chaperon, Cruise family increases security in response to continued time traveler attacks, Congress can't remember how to pass a bill, al-Qaeda planting decoy Muslims to make people think they're peaceful, those 7 asshole snowmobilers still not lost or hurt, Snowstorm killer still at large, people are sad about dead woman, and the Memphis murderer needs to try harder if he wants Brooke Alvarez to pay attention.

Anti-gay Congressman allegedly spending time romantically with a horse, supreme court rules talkative Arizona man does not have freedom of speech, today NOW!

reported live from the annual Valentine's Day stoning of an unbearably happy couple, miners still trapped in jobs mining, U. deploys military strike to aid relief efforts in Iran train derailment, nation's repairman Ron will be fixing the nation's infrastructure tomorrow, Mac fans cutting off hands for release of i Hand tomorrow, 'higher' support legalization of marijuana, autopsy of pilot in plane wreckage determines pilot too charred to fly, citizens of Pennington, Illinois anticipating major brawl between Carl and Jerry over Megan, today in history the Civil Rights Act mandated racism be made less obvious, Los Angeles residents join to obey instructions from vibrating obelisk to protect Suri Cruise, and the Memphis murderer is still unimpressive. Wolf Blitzer is a pathetic man, all unequal groups receive casinos, military drone TR-425 answers for its crimes in court, President Obama seems to hate his dog, climatologists appear to be trying to communicate something, first openly drunk senator accused of drunken campaign promises, Department of Health and Human Services bans the nation's Shawnas from using tanning salons, Dream Works Animation to receive the Oscar lifetime achievement award for "giving divorced dads something to do with their kids", PETA demands an end to using chickens to randomly select Oscar winners, sources within Howie Mandel's imagination report that he will be hosting the Oscars, the Democratic Party is seeking counseling to resolve their issues, train is okay after hitting a man, and teenage pregnancy rates in Pennington, Illinois are up thirty percent due to launches crippling cyber-attack beginning with an image of a pig in boots, legislators should use illegal immigrants to write immigration reform bill to save money, missing teens found drowned in dangerous bathtub, first openly drunk senator to spend more time drinking, everyone would be safer if they had their own justice shed, seven-hour-long audio sex tape featuring celebrity Garrison Keillor leaked, FDA Commissioner urges Americans to wash hands after using restroom following E.

interviews boy about his "totally awesome" encounter with a shark, sluts and muscle-bound douchebags gathered in military bunker to repopulate the earth, this day in 1982 the first boom-box carrying rollerskater was elected to congress, guy born with goddamn stupid-looking face finds solace in Association of Americans with Hateful Faces, and Mayor who counterfeited coupons to save $14.81 has resigned. S., Obama's approval rating increases after punching banker, Shelby Cross instructs ONN viewers to thoroughly search their neighbor's homes for missing Baby Kate, banker punched by Obama promptly assaulted by reporters at press conference, FOX's X-Factor attempts to compete with quietly sitting in the dark, HBO's Boardwalk Empire being retooled to take place in modern day New Jersey, Sci-fi fans debating how producers will eventually ruin FOX's Terra Nova, ONN's O'Brady Shaw over-emotionally reports death of teen he didn't know, First Responders ponder how best to kill random civilians with robots, and Biden proudly announces shit he took on the NY Stock Exchange.

Brooke Alvarez is now single, government warning country of impending release of rap ballads about fatherhood by Jay-Z, attempted kidnapping of Michelle Obama by obese extremists due to her un-American food portion reduction stance failed, Steve Jobs 2 announced by Apple, U. Brooke Alvarez will always be the face of cable news, comatose former congressman running for president, potentially dangerous self-defense instructors know all your moves, First Responders totally watched the GOP debate, O'Brady Shaw is a compassionate dog-slayer tomorrow night on Gut Check, soldiers in Afghanistan sad about some men dying but happy about other men dying, Kanye West and Syria in conflict, defective Hot plates won't be recalled since people who buy them are obviously pathetic, Biden launches fitness program aimed at making youthful American women more attractive, comatose presidential candidate quits after caught receiving oral sex from nurse, and O'Brady Shaw rudely leaves during his report.Matt Oberg was the only actor to appear on two different television shows produced by The Onion.Oberg portrayed Mark Shepard in Onion Sports Dome, which aired on Comedy Central until its cancellation in June 2011, and portrayed the "tenth" Tucker Hope on Onion News Network.Thousands trapped on couch by Confessions: Animal Hoarding marathon, people with facial tattoos face discrimination from potential employers, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad faces criticism for admirative comments toward Jews, older Hispanic men assemble at theaters in anticipation of new Twilight film, Beyond The Facts investigates basement spouse arguments, O'Brady Shaw comforts the wife and children of a missing soldier, this day in 1969 Apollo 12 crew-members cleaned up Apollo 11's trash on the moon, smell in local library identified as weed, and the First Responders discuss the studio's new-found sentience.O'Brady Shaw co-hosts as a woman's loud voice disturbs the nation, new weight-loss drug causes nightmarish hallucinations around food, parents tribute dead son by continuing to update his Tumblr with insults, SIURT investigates whether SIURT reporter is responsible for ruining his family's Thanksgiving, situation worsens as loud woman has private conversation, black part of town moves across local river, Congress suggests Obama ask loud woman to quiet down, this year's hottest holiday present is Chinese Paint, and the nation is relieved as Brooke Alvarez confronts the loud woman.It was implied on-air that the ONN show "Fact Zone with Brooke Alvarez" is "simulcasted" on IFC Friday nights at 10pm ET.

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