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As Green elaborated, I found myself nodding along with her insights. Someone else can enjoy the football-loving partner with the Betty Crocker mom.” So what counts as being OK for the 20 percent “imperfect” part?
Hypothetically given the choice between your mate having “a crazy mother” or “an aversion to oral sex,” she says, or no longer “leaving his skinny jeans on the bedroom floor,” but “wearing smelly football jerseys every day,” would you trade one for the other? Green’s straightforward answer to this question surprised me, given that the “me” culture in which we live always tells us we should always put ourselves first (while being undying critics of ourselves and others).
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If you’re living in the gray area, unsure of whether a particular quirk or facet of your partner’s personality is OK, “couples therapy can help people be clear about what is sustainable and what is not,” notes Green.
“We tend to wait for the perfect relationship to avoid dealing with our own issues around intimacy and perfectionism,” says Green.
And what counts as being OK for the 20 percent imperfect part?
I tapped Hannah Green, a Bay Area psychotherapist specializing in individual and couples therapy, to find out more.Though those questions are totally valid—and often the answer to them is yes—if you’re in a mostly great relationship, someone getting hangry or overly clingy or distant isn’t cause to peace out.It’s just a reminder that you and your partner are both annoyingly human.In this instance, the theory goes that in a healthy relationship, 80 percent of it should be amazing, and the other 20 percent should be … In other words, you’re never going to find a person who is 100 percent what you want all the time, but if you have a relationship that’s 80 percent great, then you can’t sweat the other 20 percent.I used to think this was a weird rule, but as I’ve gotten older and better adjusted to reality, I’ve realized that it makes a lot more sense than I previously thought.To ignore or avoid this fact “is in essence to stay in childhood, nursing a fantasy and missing out on the real character of life and of our partners,” Green says.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating